10/29/16
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Science
- Earth is like a guy who knows exactly where to stand next to a bonfire.
- 10 years ago we all wanted cool ringtones. Now we all just use the standard one.
- Facebook is just a Pokédex for people.
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10/27/16
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- Coffee should have a "caffeine by volume" rating like alcohol so I can choose how wired I really want to be when I buy coffee.
- If the "Six Million Dollar Man" show were set in the present day, instead of a bionic man it would just be a guy that had two knee replacements.
- Harry Potter would have been amazing if each book got a season in a Netflix series.
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10/26/16
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Science
- Once she hits a certain age, calling a female a "big girl" goes from being a compliment to an insult.
- Why do the ninja turtles wear masks they're the only giant turtles around.
- A doctor is a veterinarian that only has to work on one species.
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10/25/16
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- When you catch a leaf falling from a tree, you're holding something that has never touched the ground.
- Most of the time when a pickup line 'works', it was actually just said by a good looking person.
- The person who invented swimming was the first person who didn't drown.
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10/24/16
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Science
- A telephone makes sound travel faster than the speed of sound.
- You could just post a picture of a random object and say it's cake and people would be super impressed.
- Calling yourself a hacker for executing a DDoS is like calling yourself a lock picker because you blew up a door with dynamite.
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10/23/16
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- If a stranger insults me, I'l probably ignore it, as their opinion is meaningless. If a stranger compliments me, I'll probably treasure it, as their opinion is important.
- The last person I would want giving me love and marriage advice during my wedding ceremony is a priest that has lived a life of celibacy.
- The only reason I know about Aleppo is because Gary Johnson didn't.
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10/19/16
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Science
- Putting soymilk into coffee is putting beanwater into a different kind of beanwater.
- In some countries people are broke and don't even have clean drinking water and in my country we have fountains in public places that spew clean water and people just throw their unwanted money into it.
- Having a video not load after watching an entire ad, is like the equivalent of having a vending machine eat your money.
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10/18/16
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Science
- I just realized that whenever I hear a "... walk into a bar" joke, I've been picturing the same bar my whole life. I wonder if it exists somewhere or if its just a mesh of different bars I saw on TV as a kid.
- In some countries people are broke and don't even have clean drinking water and in my country we have fountains in public places that spew clean water and people just throw their unwanted money into it.
- If earphones keep getting tangled and shoelaces keep getting untangled, why don't we use earphones as shoelaces and shoelaces as earphones?
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10/17/16
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Science
- If Netflix required you to sign in frequently, 80 percent of the people I know wouldn't have Netflix.
- Every time I watch a mountain climbing documentary, all I can think is how the true star is the cameraman.
- The ultimate goal of a good dating app is to be deleted.
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10/16/16
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Science
- The first immortal creature will probably be a lab rat.
- When I picture the Middle Ages in my head, I also imagine people casting spells and fighting dragons, even though I know none of that ever happened in real life.
- You can't see photons, but photons are the only thing you can see.
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10/12/16
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Science
- I am more comfortable talking with newer friends because they are familiar with the newest incarnation of me and hold less expectations.
- You know you are no longer a child when getting money causes relief instead of excitement.
- We have two minutes to live but breathing resets the clock.
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10/11/16
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Science
- If someone tells me they're dumb, I assume they're smarter than they think, but of someone tells me they're smart I assume they're dumber than they think.
- Tobacco companies should be leading in the search for a cancer cure. The day after a cure is found, sales of cigarettes are going to go up by 500,000% from the millions of us that quit for health / longevity reasons.
- If I'm ever being followed in a car, I'm gonna go to a fast food drive-thru and test their commitment.
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10/9/16
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- If someone told me to transport a $30,000 object that, if mishandled, could kill everyone around it, I would walk it so slowly and carefully to its destination. But I drive my car with one hand, while messing with the radio, going 70 mph.
- When someone tells you to go and do a chore you were about to do anyway, it makes you about 100 times less willing to do it
- Car companies should periodically produce replicas of iconic cars with EXACTLY the same exterior design specifications but modern internal engineering and instruments.
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10/8/16
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Science
- Over the past year I've taken so many "before" pictures of my body while telling myself im going to start working out, I basically just have a slideshow of me getting fatter.
- I wonder how many times I've seen the same bird without realizing it.
- If batteries could be charged from the friction of scrolling, our phones would never die.
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10/6/16
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Science
- Whether you type "111111" or "123456", you will most likely think the same numbers while entering it.
- Humans have made themselves so comfortable that they build scary rides so they can remember what it's like to be really afraid.
- I wonder if 90-year-olds are ever like "oh man, what was I thinking when I was 80? I have life way more figured out now"
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10/5/16
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Science
- Of all the bodily functions that could be contagious, thank goodness it's the yawn.
- I've seen so many price tags ending in 99 that I feel a little mentally weirded out when I see a normal, whole number price.
- I've never been so congested that I couldn't taste how shitty cough syrup is.
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10/4/16
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Science
- You know that your game of monopoly starts to escalate when someone asks for the game instructions.
- No matter how good I clean my body, I feel filthy until I brush my teeth.
- Dog food can say it's any flavor it wants, it's not like you're going to test it.
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10/3/16
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Science
- I don’t necessarily work ‘better under pressure’, I just literally will not work until I am under the extreme pressure of time constraints created by my own unnecessary procrastination.
- When someone posts a pic of themselves in their home, I'm more interested in the background to get a glimpse of their real life rather than the one they're trying to show.
- As a kid, I thought America seemed ancient and eternal. Now I realize that America is only 238 years old and could collapse at any time just like the Roman Empire.
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